Jillian's Blog

Even though I had been waiting to turn 21 for a long time, the closer it came the less I actually wanted it to happen.  What I had planned on being a day to remain wasted, I actually spent sober, which, was more trouble than what it was probably worth.

The University of Florida is notourious for its drink-happy students and in an attempt to try and stop it, they send out tempting coupons that are only redeemable on the person's 21st B-day between the hours of 8pm-1am (probably the hours in which a person would try to spend drinking).  It's an understandable strategy, but I believe I would have been safer if I wasn't trying to rush all over town to use the coupons in time.

First off, all of the locations to use the coupons are on opposite ends of town, and it was nerve racking trying to rush through traffic in the POURING rain to use them, not to mention everything closes at like 9 or 10.  I comute to Gainesville, so after eating cake with my family, I went to the mall to kill some time.  Since I knew I wouldn't be able to drink during the coupon rush I had a couple of drinks and went to the mall to kill some time.  In my "buzzed" state I wound up applying for some credit card I didn't need, and was stuck inside the mall because it was pouring outside.  The mall was about to close and so I was forced to run out in the rain (my friend went and got the car to pull up though, bless her heart).  So I got to freeze to death in my wet clothes at the theather, and I missed the beginning of the movie because of the rain.

Another thing that made the coupon run absolutely stupid was the fact that it was only good for 1 person.  Seriously, how many people actually spend their Birthdays alone?!  Yeah, it was nice that I got to get some special treatment, but here I was dragging my friends around while gas is $4+ a gallon.

By the time I got out of the theather the next place on the list to go to was Cold Stone since it was on the way to Godfathers pizza.  It was still raining outside, and ice cream was really the last thing I wanted since I was so cold.  The 2 guys working there were being pissy, but I was surprised to see the girl working there after I had "been all over her" at a friend's 21st b-day so it was kind of awkward (go figure).  She was really nice and made my ice cream without being a little bitch like the guys working there, except I could hardly eat it since I had a migrane and really didn't want to eat any sweets.

Oh, and Godfathers Pizza was closed by the time we got to the other end of Gainesville,  what an utter waste of time.  Thank God there was a Taco Bell next door to Godfathers, maybe the coupon should be for someplace that actually doesn't CLOSE at 10!  Its also a good thing I didn't go by myself, because I would have been driving my car (windshield wipers don't work) and I would probably have been wrapped around a tree because of the heavy rain.  Too bad I rode home with a friend who drives like and idiot regardless of weather conditions.

So I am concluding that I would have been better off if I had stayed home and got plastered rather than running around to use these stupid coupons. 

I did enjoy being with my friends though, too bad all of this probably hurt them more than it did me.

July summers were always rough; trapped for about 3 months at home with no escape.  I'm not sure why I got angry at her that afternoon.  Maybe it was the heat, or the fact she was preaching to me about how I shouldn't throw my life away.

"Whats it matter to you?  Its my life and I should live it to the fullest, whether I crash and burn or not."

I'm watching the tears build up even behind her eyelids and the intense urge to raise her voice at me.

She starts to drive slower because we are approaching his house - my stoner boyfriend whom escaped from the world alongside me.

She tells me through a broken stammer that I only have one life, one chance, and that I have more potential than this.  "There is something I want to give you...." she grabs my hands and lets go of something she had been holding onto this whole time.  "This ring was your great great grandmother's and has been passed down from mother to daughter for over 100 years.  I'm giving it to you because I think its time for you to have it." 

I'm a bit baffled, and I'm trying to plan my escape, but my butt is sticking to the leather seat of the car.  I peel myself up and walk away a little sore from both the stickage from the seat and my mother's words.

But her words sounded more like a riddle I had no plans on solving.

Whether thats how the story went or not, its all I could construct from the fuzziness of my youth.  Fuzzy like the feelings between two lovers tired of the pain of the world and all of the people who have broken their trust in some way or another.

I'm waiting for him after school, and he is not here.  He said something along the lines of "I forgot".  And now I'm crying  in the middle of my room because "I forgot".  In my epileptic state how could I have remembered?  All that was left was this horrible broken body.  A body that could never love again.

I wasn't sure who I was more pissed at so I threw my mother's ring across the room;  it was something I could abuse, something that was so coveted in my family, something I could break.  What good was a ring when I couldn't trust a single soul in the world?  I thought I was doing what was best for me-being a friend to someone who needed a bit of compassion.  Compassion, something preached but never appreciated.  Was that not enough to give to the world?

Months slip by and I'm still not understanding and I have the urge to find that ring.  On hands and knees I push away the mess in my room, desperately trying to uncover something I threw away in vain.  Days go by and there in the corner it sits - still as strong and perfect as it has always been.  Fingering the band I bury my face in the blue carpet, tears emptying into a sea of plush.

I'm afraid of the ring as it slips from my finger I had just slid it on.  I'm afraid of losing it, I remember what its like.  If I don't protect it I will surely lose it again.  I lock it in a box, a box with no melody, only a lock to keep it sealed.

My mother asks me why I do not wear it, and I tell her the truth for once...I'm afraid I'll lose it if I'm not careful.  She tells me it will not slip, but I'm not stupid;  I've been there and got a t-shirt that did not fit.  How could she be so confident in me with this ring when not too long ago she worried about where I was going?

The truth was I didn't even know where I was going.  We were speeding down the road, hot boxing ourselves in a cloud of smoke.  My comrades were laughing - enjoying life, but the only thing that is standing out to me is the vast amount of trees in the area, trees that we could so easily be wrapped around.  And what if that were to happen...would my life really end?  So brave was I to always confront my mother about my life being my own when I really didn't have any control over it.  But wrapped around my finger the ring remained.

The human body really is a delicate thing.  Limbs break, it gets ill, and then it decomposes.  This ring, however, has outlived all of the women before me.  It's band may run thin and the intials etched along the inside are hardly legiable, but is much more stronger than me.  Age only blackens the spaces between the gems and other than that it is immortal, something I could never be. 

My mother tells me about when she wore it once she lost the sapphire - the crown of it's greatness.  She was so upset, but she miraculously found it.  She is laughing it off but I cannot stop thinking about the time I lost the entire thing only because I was being a little shit. 

I've been asked by a couple of people why I wear it - how it doesn't match my other jewelry or how ancient it looks.  And though it may look a bit odd from time to time it now means so much more to me then a couple of pretty gems and gold.  I wear it because it will always live on, no matter if it has been thrown away or what happened in the past.